And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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