i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
