Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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