We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
