I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
