She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
