I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
