Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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