when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He called his prostate his "boner button".
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
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