Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
