in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
