"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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