My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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