Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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