i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
whose ass print is on the piano?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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