you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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