Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
