U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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