I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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