i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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