Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
