you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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