i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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