I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
