i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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