once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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