why im i the only drunk person in the library?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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