woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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