So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
