You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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