Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize