there's paper in my vomit.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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