I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize