fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
