I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
