I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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