I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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