I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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