If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
