I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
