The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize