we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize