Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
