a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
