My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
