mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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