and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize