the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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