Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
...so i touched it.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
