She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
