the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
