I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It's just like the Real World with babies
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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