i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I need water and some morals
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
