This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
