News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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