I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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