I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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